If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
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Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
The Compass
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
twitter users today:
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing