Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
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[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?