[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
You Might Also Like
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
I didn’t come here to be called names
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.