Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
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[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa