I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
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Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.