Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.