Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
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friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs