me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
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peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell