conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I love art.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
incredible book dedication
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon