I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
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The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart