I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
You Might Also Like
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
hmmm
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?