Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
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the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?