[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
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stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Rambo Rambow
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato