I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
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My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
this article brought to you by lions
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships