Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

Typos are gonna be the death of me!

Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.

why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?