People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
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can’t catch a break
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Which wines pair best with gloating?