“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
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Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Isn’t
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My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume