@farahfergie I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
@ramblinma “I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
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@farahfergie 
@RobinMcCauley AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
@FunnyQuotees Finally a use for spoilers…
@cashbonez Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
@scootergonscoot they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
@VerifiedDrunk 5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
@13spencer I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
@Chhapiness 7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
@weinerdog4life *interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
@ArfMeasures [court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder