@ramblinma

“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

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@farahfergie

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

@RobinMcCauley

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

@cashbonez

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious

@scootergonscoot

they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born

@13spencer

I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.

@Chhapiness

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

@ArfMeasures

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder