“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
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Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
How to woo a woman
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down