“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”

— kids, pets, spouses

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I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.


AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.


Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious


they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born


I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.


7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat


LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder