[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
You Might Also Like
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
“A little help here, Danny?”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.