Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!