The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
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Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.