You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.