The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
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I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.