Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
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i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire