Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
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“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?