Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
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I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Word!
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Mhm.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful