realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
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Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
oh you wanna fight?!
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.