Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Employees must applaud the planets.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Anime is real
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”