Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
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Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.