I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
You Might Also Like
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.