[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
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I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
23. the denim jacket
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.