My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
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[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
incredible book dedication
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Me buying fruit and veg
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!