Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
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rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.