@RickAaron

Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.

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@kalindi_rana

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

@MaraWilson

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway

@TheAndrewNadeau

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

@daemonic3

[walks date home]

HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?

ME: I gotta work early

HER: I have 2 dogs

ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]

@Playing_Dad

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

@victoria_birth

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

@panmidwest

FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?

ME:

FRIEND:

ME: to what?

@HuffPostComedy

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

@AlexvanBeek

The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.

@mariana057

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”