ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
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Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
LMAO.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Fiction has to make sense.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.