[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
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JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad