I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
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[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
This will never not be funny to me.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS