I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.