celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
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INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.