I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
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[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”