I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
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I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Whisper out to librarians!
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
“what that mouth do?” complain
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang