I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
You Might Also Like
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️