I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
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“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.