Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
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MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
saw this in a dream
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
The honesty is refreshing
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing