I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
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I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
The internet is full of many things
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”