Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
What a chick magnet..