her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
![]()
You Might Also Like
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”![]()
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
My dog learned how to text
![]()
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
![]()
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
![]()
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!