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I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.