I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
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Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
*checks Timeline*…
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer