“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
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I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.