I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
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Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
kevin is now a local weatherman
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
That 👊
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”