If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
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favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar