favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
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What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Bike is short for Bichael.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!